you know i'm thinking of you.

i went home for october break. and let me just say, it was wonderful -- with a few short and painful exceptions. -- i needed this. i needed a break. with pain, comes closure.

(my. heart. beats. beyond. this. wreck.
can. you. feel. it. drum. your. song.
like. this. like. this. like. this.)

(maybe next time, it will be just like it used to be.) i can handle this. (this. this is whatever comes next.)

i still can’t find a single person to talk to. everyone is either too busy or i can’t bring myself to do it because i don’t want to screw up their balance. i don’t want to add on to their already bursting minds. i don’t want to be a burden. i don’t want to slip up and reveal things that i shouldn’t have, and find out that after letting one single fact slip past my mouth, it could ruin everything.

(i wish you could hold my hand and through the human connection of skin to skin, there would be a flowing transfer of thoughts and emotions. i wouldn’t have to tell you how much everything hurts right now, physically and emotionally. because i know i won't tell anyone this, but it still hurts.)

and him. [i can't stick to one topic] "if you like a person, & you tell them ... they hate you afterwards. if you like a person, & don't tell them ... you find out they liked you, & now you lost your chance. & they wonder why i am so fucking confused." this is so true right now. but at the same time, i can't make myself care. everything is clouded by how fucking adorable he is. i'm hot and cold. i'm on and off. all the time. he can't read me. (not anymore)

when i came back to cortland, i walked in and i felt happy. i feel like i have a home here. i have friends that care about me. i still feel out of place, but ... not as much. that's progress.

* so tell me what do i need when the words lose their meaning. i was spinning free with a little sweet and simple numbing me. yeah, stumble until you crawl. sinking into sweet uncertainty. if you're listening. are you listening? *