it won't be the first heart that you break

“you were always right, weren't you? and now we've got nothing to say to each other. but i've got to say that when i come up from this, i will be stronger then you. & oh how i will come up from this, even if that means i have to rip myself apart.” - three months ago.

well, i still haven’t come up from “this”, but don’t worry, i am well on my way.

[ dear me-show boy / i know you're not really into conflict resolution / or seeing both sides of every equation / or having an uninterrupted conversation / dear self centered boy / i don't know why i still feel affected by you / i've never lasted very long with someone like you / i never did although i have to admit i wanted to. ]

okay, let me get this straight. wait, he doesn't care, let's leave this alone. she says that maybe i'll do better off without him being in my life at all ... my lips are closed. another night of numb fingers. (its not as fun without you here.) half of me wants him to disappear. and half of me wants him to realize what he lost. (but that doesn’t mean i want you back.)

i’m over it. for now anyway. no, what i really mean is until i see him again.

[ you needed to still be friends / needed me to call you / if i ever couldn't keep it all together / you'd comfort me / tell me about forever / and the promises i never should have believed in. ]

AND diana came back to the dorm "tipsy" last night. (i'm so proud of you, prancer!)

[ punch-drunk intoxication ]

you. adorable. so bittersweet. i see you twist and turn, you look so stupid-happy, you know?

[ and i'll do anything you ever dreamed to be complete / little pieces of the nothing that fall. ]

being here has broken down every single one of my illusions about life. about love. about friendship. and how much it all means. most of us don't understand the fragility. i can't seem to grasp the concept that i could wake up tomorrow, and .. you might be gone. that one single moment could send my life spiraling in the opposite direction.

and you are wondering why my thoughts seem so jumbled, it's because i can't seem to think a single thought without it procreating into a million more just as complex.

[ separate and fall into me / and did you ever see me / me absolutely / me but all you / but still me. ]