i'm gonna tell you what's on my mind

everything has been going so wrong lately. and i don’t want to talk about it, or write about any of it, for a lot of reasons. most of them come back to the lack of being able to move past all of this.

and, that's what i am, too, perfectly still, not moving anywhere. you don't understand ... i don't want any of this. none of it makes sense and it never starts right. relationships - it should start with someone who wants me and wants what i'm able to offer. i'm not able to offer all of myself, see. but i'm also not able to offer the shallow part of myself, the part that doesn't mean anything and doesn't need him to mean anything.

and the fact that i am leaving in six weeks for college makes me want to break away from everyone around me, just so that it won't hurt as much. but. we talk of love, and movies, and friendships, and school, and music, and it's somewhat comfortable. the more we talk, the more the world crumbles away. i'm going to miss all of this. i think. but i know i am better for it because it only reminds me of who i do and don't want to let go of when i leave.

it's like i am closing my eyes, holding out my hands, and fumbling though past and present friendships to see what's actually there.

p.s.- let me know if you think this new music is irritating. i like it, and i put it so that you can stop the music and still look at the page, so it shouldn't be so horrible. and plus, this is my favorite song. so there. deal with it. :)