one last time

a mix of emotions, as usual. i'm bursting at the seams. i have so much inside i need to get out. because if i don't, it's only going to puncture my lungs more than it already had. i'm on the verge of breaking. (maybe the ocean would swallow me whole ...)

- catch your breath - hit the wall - scream out loud - as you start to crawl -

in all honesty, the more i have tried not to cry, the easier the tears slipped out of the corners of my eyes. so. here goes nothing. there's no easy way to say this. there's no simple way to explain it. there's no explicit way to articulate it into something it's not. it's anger.

heartless bastard. fuck you. fuck you for never being the person i thought you were. fuck you for always understanding me better than i understood myself, because when you were no where to be found, i didn't know how to understand myself at all.

refuse to feel anything at all, refuse to slip, refuse to fall. can't be weak, can't stand still, i watch my back 'cause no one will. i don't know why they had to go this far, and don't believe the lies that they have told to you. not one word was true. i'm alright, i'm alright, i'm alright.

fuck you for only keeping your promises when it was convenient for you. fuck you for the god damn contingency, the god damn inconsistancy of your word. fuck you for the rage i never did express, how i just covered it up until i was flawless and i forgave you. fuck you for never giving me the change to figure out that i never really needed you.

he wasn't really what i wanted, what i thought he was. he wouldn't even open up the door. he never made me feel like i was special. he isn't really what i'm looking for. he never made me feel like i was special, like i was special, cause i was special.

normally, i would descibe how sad i am. how every word burnsmyeyes and piercesmyheart. but. i am stronger now. with a stable backbone. (and what exactly does that expression mean?)

it's so bittersweet.

the end.