just freak out, let it go

so. i'm home. it feels oddly comfortable. emphasis on odd. i guess i assumed it would feel the same. to be back and in my own room. but now i understand just how i have changed. i feel smothered by my parents ... err ... the constant checking to see if i am okay. [did i say that i was okay? well no way way way.]

i feel somewhat alone. i can't just walk down the hall or upstairs to find company. i've been home for less than two weeks and the tears have already found me. this negative sort of thinking makes me want to either cuddle in my covers with someone just to feel alive or crawl up in my covers shutting out the world and let the tears come freely. i'm resisting both. i'm resisting that fact i'm just like he is. (and he is everything we hate.) whenever things don't go my way, i get pissed off and i just react without thinking.

[ be strong, be strong now. too many, too many problems.

don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.

her feelings she hides. her dreams she can't find. she's losing her mind.

she's fallen behind. she can't find her place. she's losing her faith.

she's fallen from grace. she's all over the place.]

with being home, i've felt a rush to find who i am and what i want. (i thought i had found me. i should have known the search is never-ending) i want bright nights in the city with comedy and dinner with my best friends, filled with freeze-frame moments and dancing, and a cafe where we fall into deep conversations about complicated emotions and relationships. but. i also want dark boring nights spent with the only boy for me, filled with old classic movies and stop-time kisses where no one else matters but the two of us.

questions have been filling my mind, i'm wanting to question you and your actions. i have to force myself not to interfere. deceit. too bad it always catches up.

and you. "the only boy for me" you. i'm irritated. spotlight's on you. is that supposed to impress me? when i expected so little from you, you kissed my cheek and kept me warm. you surprised me. and for a while, my senses were numb. now. i am shocked by your insensitivity and lack of interest when you once had so much. i understand that i'm not exactly a priority right now. i get that i will always be second unless i am face to face. out of sight, out of mind. [i want to know who you are. want to know where to start. i want to know what this means. want to know how you feel. want to know what is real.] what i don't understand is why the erratic ups and downs. i try to guess your next move. you're distant so i step backwards. but you step forward and you're affectionate. i take this as positive so i step forward, but you shut down and step backwards. make up your mind.

just freak out
let it go.