i'm burning bright

i feel irrational. i want to fuck everything up. i want to screw up everything i have going for me. i feel like letting loose and going out and freaking out and not caring about the consequences.

it's the beginning of june and i've got nothing but restlessness and destruction and gravity (but gravity is not on my side). i'm bored. bored with everything you have to say because you've spun me around too many times. i like that we are not the people i thought we would be. i am not so consumed with obsession and vulnerability as i once was. you - you are not soft and gentle and as moldable as i thought you would be. i just feel like permanently wiring my mouth shut. never talking to people again. i'm tired. of life. of everything. of feeling disgusting about myself. of not having a friend when i need one. of everything that involves. of needlessly clinging to him because when i don't, he's not pushing me away and he loves me again. of bluepurplepinkwhite-knuckles. of feeling so tied down. so neurotic. so up and down. i miss the feeling of knowing someone so well. i'm sick of this drama. this crisis after crisis. this pretending to be something we're not. this subsituting of love.

my body is giving me that familiar feeling. the one that tells me to just get off running. i'm focused. i'm flying off the hinges. the earth is spinning and i'm wanting to dive off the side of it. head first into the atmosphere. fall off into oblivion. the earth falls backwards and june turns into november.