there's got to be something better than in the middle ...

i'm thinking about feelings tonight. what i feel is mine to own. but i feel like a failure. no one can tell me this. my failure is mine and no one else. it's all mine. it's just something i carry alone.

i want to be accomplishing something. anything. there is a strong force inside of me wanting ... no, scratch that ... desperate to be running. not necessarily away. more so, i just want to be moving forward. one foot in front of the other.

i was looking through our dvds last night when i found "Higher Grounds"mixed in with a lot of other dvds and movies i have forgotten about. it was a short TV series i used to watch when i was a teen. it's about school called "Mount Horizon" for troubled teens. i remember thinking to myself "wow, that is the perfect place for me." but, of course, i grew up. i painfully stumbled through that time in my life. i somehow became this person. i used to have goals and dreams. i never once thought about how i would make it for the next month with X amount of dollars. i was in such a hurry to be an adult and have a family. i guess this is where i am feeling like a failure.

i am wanting to be a part of something huge. of something life changing. that's it exactly. i want to change someones life with the pureness of my heart. am i that giving? yes. i am. i can be.

but for the first time ... i know exactly what i want to do with my life. how can i get there? i just have to make it happen.