not sure that i'll pull through

i have alot to say. its been long over due. 11:47 pm on a sunday night, why did i wait so long. it's all going to come rushing out. i need to write something honest.

i am sleeping more and having clear ... vivid dreams that i can actually make sense of. i am still having nightmares. but i am having these repeated dreams where he speaks to me. in words. he sits and speaks in a calm voice. and i don't ask "why, why, why?" like i you would think i would. i'm standing and i ask "who are you?" and he tells me he is the devil. i believe him. he's slowly bleeding out of me and i feel clear. he tells me he isn't insane but that he's something i won't understand. i feel angry and hot and i want to wake up. he tells me he will never die and i know its the truth. he won't die in my mind. and he won't die in reality, because he breeds, we see him on the news every night. he's a twenty year old white man and a forty-eight year old black man and a fifteen year old teen-aged boy. i only feel like this when i am all alone. but i am getting much better. i have these dreams and then i wake up with a start, like always, but i don't always want to cry anymore, i don't always want to hurt myself, or be alone. i am too tired to fight myself.

we are living in a secret world. i am, anyway. i can't explain it in any other words. except that he sees half of my world and he doesn't question that i am honest and loyal. neither of them really see any of my world anymore. only what i tell of it. this is where the lies began, but i'm so tangled up now that i don't remember what's the truth and what's not. but it has to stop. everything is so unclear, until suddenly, ... my heart breaks through and i am right back where i started, wanting to be in your arms, and feeling so crazy for you that i want to break things off just to be with you.

sometimes, i feel like he could do no wrong. i would never fight him ever again, if only he was here. but i also remember that it's not all love songs when we are together. but. i still have that faith inside of me that continues to tell me, "no, it's okay, its worth it. he's worth it." we are north pole and south pole and i love it. he works in angles and shapes and colors, and me, in daydreams and words. it's imperfection and i would do anything to be with him forever. i have a feeling, he's starting to feel the same way. the memory of his arms feels like a secret place. i'd give up all of this, to move to where he is.

take my hand, and we'll make it, i swear.

work seems to be getting easier. but people there don't seem to understand that i am both sensitive and sarcastic at the same time. my emotions seem to get the best of me. thats when i want to quit and forget all about the money.

hudson valley seems like a joke, compared to cortland. i can't honestly complain. but. my two weeks and i am already exhausted and temporarily forgetting my reasons for being there. i want to quit and write cheap paperbacks and spend all day dreaming up fictional characters and love stories for them to be in. all smiles and passion fueled.